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Between Law and Crime - Chapter 4

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´Do you remember the guy who gave up? Neither does anyone else.´
(unknown author)

“The dinner is ready,” Rene said awkwardly, not knowing what to talk about. “What about we started?”

“Of course,” Maria agreed immediately and leaded their guest inside. “We can chat during it and get to know each other.”

David and Rene exchanged quick glances. They already passed the point of no return. The only thing which they could do now was keep going. If only they knew…

“Have a seat,” Maria said politely. She was trying to treat David friendly but her cop side was analysing his every move. How old is he? Definitely older than Rene. Maybe late thirties? Rene should find someone his own age. Clearing her throat, Maria sat in front of David and smiled at him. There were thousands of questions she wanted to ask but Rene pleaded her not to turn dinner into interrogation. Just a small back up check. I could so easily found some info about him. Only the important things like age, job, criminal record… It wouldn´t hurt anyone, would it?

“You have beautiful house, Mrs Satou,” David said like he was supposed to. As the crimelord, he knew Chief Investigator but they never met before. Interesting woman. Definitely not a person who believes anything they hear. Knowing what she did for Rene, underestimating her is not an option.

“Thank you.” Maria´s false smile sent shivers down Rene´s back. He moved his hands under the table to hide the trembling. Clearing his throat, Rene decided to join the conversation.

“It´s nice that you had time to come,” he said nervously to David. To have both his boyfriend and his mother in one room was stressful experience. Whose stupid idea was this? Oh, yes. Mine. But they had to meet. Mother always wants to know where I go. Being with David secretly is time demanding.
 
“Pleasure is all mine,” David retorted sweetly, taking one of Rene´s hand and squeezing it affectionately. Rene almost fell from his chair.

“Great.” You too, Brutus? Rene had to suppress the urge to shake his head. Maria acts friendly because she wants me to talk to her more. But David? Does he plan to play caring boyfriend´s role? That´s ridiculous.

“I´m really glad to meet you, Mister Marks,” Maria said nicely. “Rene didn´t tell me much about you. He can be so secretive sometimes,” she added chuckling but rest of party stayed serious. At least David kept playing his role well.

“Please, just call me David,” he said bowing his head to Maria. “I´d love us to get along well.” Rene tried to kick him under the table but hit Maria instead, who took it as reminder that she shouldn´t act like strict cop.

“Of course, David. I hope we´ll get along well too,” she said quickly. Not that I have for choice. Rene won´t talk to me ever again if I embarrass him now. Being caring mother is so difficult.

“I´ll bring the food,” Rene volunteered hastily. The tension in room was like the fourth guest and he needed to lighten the atmosphere a bit. Or to speed the dinner up a bit. I can´t wait to see it done. Behind his back, the conversation continued.

“What do you do, David?”

“I work as businessman. Did you hear about Aurora?”

“That group of jewellers?”

“Yeah. I´m its director. It´s very interesting job.”

Rene frowned into the plate he was preparing. He was doing his best to overhear the conversation so he could jump in if needed. But David seemed to have a plan. So you own Aurora now? That´s called making good impression. I just hope that you practiced your story a lot, there is no chance mother would be satisfied with asking only one question.

“It´s great,” Maria said cheerfully. “You must be a successful man.” If it´s true, he´s not after Rene´s money. I have to check it with Aurora later. But Rene said no checking. But I´m not going to investigate him. There is nothing wrong about visiting a jewellery shop. I´m woman after all. Just a bit of research…

“Rene said that you work with police,” David remarked casually. “It must be very stressful job.”

“Yes, it is,” Maria nodded, “but I got used to it.”

“Oh, enough talking about work,” Rene interrupted them, bringing plates with salmon and rice. “Let´s talk about less serious things.”

“Shall I help you?” David asked quickly and jumped up to take a plate from Rene.

“Thanks.” Stop being so nice, it´s so weird. I feel like I went through a worm hole into different dimension where Maria is considerate mother and you´re not a ruthless criminal.

Finally, all plates were where they belonged. On the other hand, conversation went down the hill. David didn´t feel the need to chat without being addressed and others couldn´t find a good topic. In the end, politeness (and wish to make good impression on his boyfriend´s mother) won.

“It looks delicious,” David commented, observing his plate.

“It´s bought,” Rene retorted. “We don´t cook much,” he added, winking at David which gained him under-table kick from Maria.

“Would you like some wine?” She asked, standing up but David shook his head.

“I can´t, I will be driving home,” he apologized, inconspicuously looking at Rene. See? Another good point for me. I´m rich, polite businessman and now I even don´t drive after drinking. Karin is so going to make fun from me.

“I see.” Maria sat down again.

“I´d like a bit of wine,” Rene pleaded but he was ignored.

“Tell me, how did you meet with Rene?” Maria asked curiously. “He´s not the type to visit jewellery shops.” I hope he´s not. Or I missed something again? He didn´t get a piercing like that punk vice-captain of his, right?

“No, we didn´t meet in my work,” David shook his. “Through we met in Rene´s work.” He caught Rene´s nervous glance with a corner of his eyes and gave him a reassuring smile. They were prepared for this question. “He was doing random checks on highway, you know, to make sure that drivers have their licences and stuff…”

Maria nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

“Rene stopped me too and I have to admit that I´ve never met so handsome cop,” David turned and his significant other turned red. This time, Rene managed to kick the right person under the table. “Don´t kick me,” David scolded him gently and took his hand. “It´s true.”

“Please, my mother´s listening,” Rene whined, blushing madly.

“Oh, you don´t have to tell me everything,” Maria joined nervously. There were things which she didn´t need to know about her son. Like details of his relationship with his boyfriend.

“I wanted to keep taking to Rene so much that I made total fool of myself. I actually go out of the car and discussed weather with him. It was embarrassing but I really couldn´t think of anything else to chat about with a cop.”

“I found it sweet,” Rene commented. He already gave up his food and placed his fork next to plate.

“Long story short, I invited Rene for a dinner and he agreed.”

“I see. It sounds really nice,” Maria noted politely. Listening to David, she didn´t notice that Rene stopped eating. One her glare was enough to make him start again. For a while, conversation moved to neutral topics but then Maria poked the wasp nest again.

“You seem like a nice couple but I have to worry about the age difference,” she said casually, ignoring Rene glaring draggers at her. “Don´t you mind that Rene is so younger that you.”

“It´s only six years difference. I don´t see it as problem.” Fact that he´s a cop and I´m Mafioso is slightly more troublesome. Plus having younger partner isn´t really a disadvantage. Just don´t smile now.

“You ask like I was dating an old man,” Rene complained.

“I just want to make sure that you´re happy in your relationship,” Maria retorted pouting. “People in love tend to overlook flaws of their partners.”

This time, both Rene and David stared at her coldly. You have no idea what you´re talking about, woman, David thought. Sometimes you can be happy with person with flaws. Nothing like perfection exists in this world anyways. Rene was less discreet about his opinions.

“It´s not like we were moving together,” he snapped. “We´re just getting to know each other.” David stepped on his foot under table.

“It´s all right. Your mother is just worried about you. There is nothing wrong about it.”

Rene took a deep breath to calm a bit. This dinner was probably the most stressful he ever had but at least Maria didn´t ask too much. And it wasn´t supposed to take much longer either. Just some more time to suffer through.
Dedicated to the most favourite cowriter :iconflirtingwithinsanity:.:hug:

(next chapter will be last, I just write shorter chapters faster)

UPDATE: My mistake. This is 4th chapter.
© 2014 - 2024 scarlette13
Comments11
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SavvyRed's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

I'm guessing from the category that it is not fan fiction, so I will try to treat it that way. I also know that it is a chapter in a series, not something hat is mean to be read alone, so I will keep that into consideration as well. I hope this helps you in some way, and I will do my best!

As far as your "vision" goes, I would say that you do make clear what you want this story to be, and it is completely intentional. That's good because sometimes people write stories and have no idea what they're going to sound like to other people. It was somewhat confusing to me, but that's because I haven't read the rest of the series. And it did get pretty clear by the end. But, at the same time, it may have been a little too obvious what you meant. You use a lot of dialogue, write out lot of interior monologue, and have very, very short paragraphs. It's cliche, but sometimes you want to show, not always tell. For example, if you wanted to show that a character is nervous, you don't have to just say "he was nervous" and "I'm really nervous, he thought" kind of statements all the time (not direct quotes, just examples). It's OK once or twice, but it will be more powerful if you show it through his actions or figurative language more. You do occasionally show him not eating or tapping really hard at the table, but I think you can do even better than that. I can tell you know how to show how someone feels through the actions and not just directly saying how they feel. The audience will feel that chill in their spines when they read something like (just making something up), "He felt the urge to vomit, and his shaky hands told the whole story without him uttering a single word." So that's why I gave you a four; you're good at making people know your intentions, but sometimes it's a little too blunt.

Despite the fact that the mother Maria is a police officer and the boyfriend David is a Mafia crimelord, I didn't see that much originality in the piece. There are a lot of scenes in movies, stories, novels, etc. where people are very nervous because they bring a lover home to meet their parents. It's even more common in LGBT relationships because we queers always face that. Of course, it is possible to do a scene like this and be more unique. There's a lot of tension going on, which is good because you know how to set the mood, and it builds an builds. However, it just keeps building and doesn't have that climax, surprise, or any attention grabber at the end. It doesn't have to be as serious as a gunfight, but I think it would help if you tossed in something that it culminates to. Maybe it's just Rene accidentally spilling and breaking a huge bowl of piping hot spaghetti on his lap, and then his mother freaks and says, "LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE MY PRECIOUS ANGEL DO! That was a family heirloom!" "Mom, we got that Costco." It can be anything you want. Don't be shy to feel creative!

As far as technique goes, a lot of the scoring did have to do with the writing style. I know that every writer has their own style, but I tend to see a lot of this in stories on deviantART. Short, choppy paragraphs and emphasis on dialogue and interior monologue work for some scenes, but I feel as though it is just too obvious. You're not letting your audience see your characters as they are. You are telling them exactly how they feel rather then letting people understand their emotions through actions and more subtle and less frequent use of thoughts. We all know Rene is nervous. We all know David is being brash. And we also know that Maria is suspicious. Write more fully with less dialogue and interior monologue, and this will reflect very well in your work.

Despite what I felt about originality and technique, I think the impact is good. You set the scene, and the audience understands it. You fulfill intentions, which is good because, in writing, every detail is supposed to be intentional. That is why you don't read a lot of books where the narrator starts saying something like, "And then Jeff went the bathroom. And then he used the urinal. And then he used toilet paper. The toilet paper was very soft." That doesn't usually make a very interesting story, so you do show your intentions well. Also I did think it was an interesting story to read, and I was able to understand it for the most part without knowing what the rest of the series was about.

Keep up the good work, and don't be afraid to take some risks! I hope this helps!